


i swear to love you (all my life)

by johnyongclub



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:14:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25551118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnyongclub/pseuds/johnyongclub
Summary: Johnny listens to Taeyong's voice messages as a form of temporary healing.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 21
Kudos: 89





	i swear to love you (all my life)

**Author's Note:**

> hello, first of all i wanna put a trigger warning here and remind you to be aware that there will be mentions of suicide in this fic. so if that is a heavily triggering topic, please do not continue reading this.
> 
> this is also a story about grief and mourning so it is really heavy, in my opinion. avoid it if it isn't something you're comfortable with.
> 
> last but not least, these aren't my characters and are not affiliated with real persons. i love each of them dearly.
> 
> title from chord overstreet's hold on.

It starts off like this; a soft, breathy laugh from the other end of the line, a quiet whisper of an _I love you,_ a series of noises he's so used to listening to that he stopped questioning what they meant, followed by the almost silent snores that he, more often than not, falls asleep to. 

It's nothing compared to the real, warm breath of Taeyong's snores against his neck but Johnny takes it. He takes it, because it's the only thing that's left. 

The flow of his words that he stains his pages with seems endless; it goes on and on until he stops thinking about whether or not what he's writing makes any sense. There are words in black ink on paper, a trail of color that makes up letters following the movement of his fingers. The words become this; an art, a color, a movement. It makes no sense.

The voice message stops, another plays. This time it's Taeyong telling him that he was just at the park, playing with a cute dog he saw while taking a walk. It stops and another plays. Taeyong tells him he'd accidentally stepped on a snail. He's crying. 

It's the familiar sob that brings Johnny back to the moment and he looks down to see what exactly he'd written. On the page, in smudged ink of letters meeting each other, lays question after question.

_Are you afraid? Are you alone? Where are you now? Are you up there? Is it dark? Is it light? Is it nothing, like we've once imagined it? Is it lonely? Are you crying? Please don't cry. Please be brave. Please wait for me._

Johnny clenches his jaw, his grip on the pen tightens. The voice message plays again and Taeyong is laughing over the earbuds he'd had plugged in since the morning.

_Where are you now? I miss you._

"Johnny?" 

He drops the pen and looks up to find Jaehyun, an immediate smile forming on his lips as he reaches up to remove one of his earbuds. "Jae."

Jaehyun gestures towards the house, speaking softly. "We're all just waiting to see if you're ready. It's time, John."

Johnny glances back at the house, one that no longer feels like home. He'd been seated here for hours, he thinks, enjoying the cold breeze and looking out at the view of the ocean. It reminds him of Taeyong. 

"Are the guests here?" He asks, taking off the other earbud to place on the table, turning off the voice messages playing on loop. 

Jaehyun shakes his head. "Not yet, but Doyoung wanted to make sure you have some time with him before the guests arrive."

 _Him._ They can't even say his name. His jaw clenches and he wants to scream at Jaehyun and remind him that _he_ has a name and his name is Taeyong.

_Taeyong. Taeyong. Taeyong._

Instead, he nods, still much aware that it isn't Jaehyun's fault, that it isn't anyone's fault. He feels almost… empty. It's empty, where his heart used to be. The house is empty. The world is empty.

He gets off the lounge chair he'd been perched on since the start of the day, abandoning the notebook he was writing on and pocketing his phone before he makes his way into the house, Jaehyun tailing behind him. 

Once inside, he notes the work Doyoung must have put on to make the place look presentable, to welcome guests when they arrive. He would feel guilty for not helping had he been able to feel anything at all. Maybe later, he'll thank Doyoung. 

Out front, the open space of their backyard has been transformed into a suitable area to perform a wake. Seats are lined for the guests and at the far end where the guests would be facing, Johnny could see the open casket, sitting before the podium. 

He freezes just at the door, on his way out, like there's been a rock placed upon his chest and he can hardly breathe. Seeing it makes it real and suddenly all that emptiness he's felt is gone and every single emotion he should be feeling comes to him at once.

It's Doyoung that comes to guide him towards the casket, looking exhausted himself. He's dressed formally, eye bags under his eyes, and a barely there smile forming on his lips as he slowly pulls Johnny towards the front of the set up.

It feels like a dream, to be looking into the box and see Taeyong laying in it. He looks like he's asleep, but happier, at peace, finally. Johnny crouches down next to the open casket and lets his fingers comb back Taeyong's soft hair. His skin is pale, lips pink and somehow it looks like he's smiling. 

They've put him in a white dress shirt, instead of a suit, and on his chest sits a single white rose, resting beneath both his palms. The setting is perfect, Johnny thinks. Taeyong would have loved it. 

He doesn't know the tears had begun to stain his cheeks as he continues to stroke Taeyong's hair, as if doing so would make it feel like Taeyong is still there, by his side like he had always been. 

_Where are you now? Please be brave._

Catching his breath, Johnny takes the handkerchief Doyoung hands him and wipes at his cheeks before he reaches down again to caress Taeyong's soft skin, pressing a kiss onto the spot between his brows.

As if on cue, the guests show up, one by one. 

Johnny knows most of them, close family and friends that Taeyong had once introduced him to. Still, even with all these familiar faces, Johnny seeks the one he needs the most, the family he knows would make him feel okay, at least for now.

His eyes search for him as the guests continue to come, taking their seats and some of them even going to see Taeyong for the last time. When Taeyong's parents arrive, they hold Johnny close, in a much needed silence, sharing a loss that can never be replaced. 

It's when the familiar car pulls up that he knows they're here. He keeps a hopeful gaze as he watches as Taeil climbs out of the car, Mark next, then Yuta and Donghyuck, each of them with eyes red-rimmed as they approach him.

Taeil reaches him first, pulling him into his embrace and Johnny lets himself break. He sobs into Taeil's shoulder and feels three more pairs of arms join them in a hug. They're quieter than he is, but Johnny could hear Mark, Donghyuck and Yuta cry too.

This is family, Johnny thinks. These are the people who have been with him since the very first day he'd met Taeyong and these are the people who Taeyong had welcomed everyday within his home, no matter the occasion. The loss of Taeyong's presence is so palpable that it shatters their hearts into pieces.

Johnny takes them to see Taeyong in his resting bed, each one of them leaving a squeeze to Taeyong's cold hand and Taeil presses a kiss to his forehead. 

The five of them, Doyoung, Jaehyun, Jungwoo as well as Taeyong's parents occupy the front rows while the rest of the guests fill in the seats behind them. Doyoung goes first to give a eulogy.

Johnny couldn't focus. He remembers now what he was supposed to be doing when he was sitting out back but instead of preparing the eulogy, all he'd done was scribble questions that Taeyong couldn't hear, listening to his voice to pretend he's still there.

Taeil goes after Doyoung, the two of them sharing a quick embrace in between. Doyoung is crying by the time he returns to his seat and Johnny watches as Jaehyun's arm winds around his shoulders to comfort. Johnny no longer has that.

He thinks about what he could possibly say, when there are a million things he could tell the world about Taeyong. He watches as Taeil talks of Taeyong's adventures in college, how Doyoung had talked about Taeyong as they were growing up together. What would Johnny say now? That he loves Taeyong? That Taeyong was kind?

No words could ever describe his soulmate. None.

When it was his turn, Johnny stood at the podium with no papers in his hand and nothing in his head, just his gaze fixated on Taeyong in his bed, looking so, so peaceful, Johnny feels almost envious.

"Taeyong…" Johnny starts, lifting his gaze to find the crowd. "Taeyong was a pretty soul, a kind soul, a bright soul. I'd like to clarify beforehand that anything and everything I say in my attempt to honor him is almost futile because to capture him in words is impossible. He was beyond words. He was beyond anything comprehensible. He was a star in our lives, fallen from the sky and now returned."

He continues, "I couldn't name a single person who has ever hated him, or even if they do, I couldn't name one that could provide us with a reason why. Every single one of us here today— I thank you for coming, but every one of us is here today because we loved him, even if it was just an ounce of love. We loved him. And he was loved. He was so loved."

"There's a lot to remember when it comes to him," Johnny smiles then, allowing his gaze to fall onto Taeyong once again. His beauty, even in his final sleep, is heartbreaking. "I know we've all shared our own versions of memories that we made with him but I'd like to think that I was privileged enough to have spent the last few years with him, to have been given the chance to know him so deeply, that it feels like he and I were one whole person."

He takes a moment then because he's starting to feel choked up and he wishes he had a stack of papers to look at, if only it means he doesn't have to keep looking at the guests. Inhaling softly, Johnny resumes. "I think all of us know this but Taeyong lived by the consistent belief that if he gets to make other people happy, he'd be happy.

"It was two years ago when he had the chance to go to Europe to continue his degree and a friend of ours came up second, in case Taeyong decided to change his mind. He knew how much the opportunity meant to this friend of ours," Johnny says, watching as Jungwoo's eyes widened because no one had known Taeyong's sacrifice until today. "And so he told me that it's okay. He was happy here, he said, and happier if the friend we love and adore got to do what he loves to do. He turned it down happily and I think that was one of the most significant moments in our time together, that made me love him more.

"I've always thought that we would grow old together," Johnny admits with a laugh. "I told him no more than two children, he wanted three. He'd often talk about celebrating thanksgiving with our grandchildren and that he would spoil them and remind them to love the animals how he loved the animals. I miss him and I know all of you do too."

He takes another moment to pause, to blink back his tears and think about what he wants them to know. Alas, there is only room to end it here. "The last couple of days have been the worst days I've ever had to go through but I'm thankful to those who have stayed with me and I'm thankful for every one of you that took the time to come and see him one last time. As heavy as my heart is to let him go… I hope he found the peace he'd spent his entire life searching for."

With a dip of his head, he ends the speech here and the rest of the wake continues. When it is time, he sits by Taeyong and stays with him for almost five minutes before they close the casket and prepare for burial. Five minutes wasn't enough.

Forever isn't enough.

  
  


* * *

  
  


After the guests had left and Johnny had sent off Taeyong's parents, he finds that he's suddenly _exhausted_ and there's still much to do. There's still the cleaning up and making sure he thanks his friends for helping out but all he wants to do is bury himself under the blankets and sleep.

He wants to sleep. He hasn't slept since he'd found Taeyong on their bathroom floor, hasn't slept since he'd rushed him to the hospital, hasn't slept since the doctor told him it was too late. 

His arms feel heavy and his heart heavier. While everyone busies themselves making sure the house isn't left unattended, Johnny sits on the couch and stares at his fingers, cold and almost as lifeless as Taeyong's had been. 

"Johnny," Doyoung calls after him, taking the empty seat on the couch. "Is there anyone that's gonna be staying with you for the next couple of days?"

Is there? He doesn't know. He hasn't discussed anything with anyone. "Um, I don't know. But I don't mind. I can handle being alone for a bit."

Doyoung purses his lips. "I would but Jungwoo has to go back to England tomorrow and I don't want him to be by himself."

"It's okay, Doyoung," Johnny says with a nod and a smile to assure him. "I hope he has a safe flight. And thank you so much for today. I don't think I could've done it without you."

The younger boy gives his shoulder a squeeze. "He was my best friend too, John. It was the least I could do. I think he would have loved it though."

Johnny lets out a chuckle, "Yeah, I think he would have. It was beautiful."

Doyoung mirrors the laugh, soft and tired before he sighs. "I'll go and see if any of the boys are staying with you. I don't want you to be alone either."

"Okay," Johnny nods again, smiling in gratitude. "Thank you, Doyoung."

As Doyoung gets up and walks off, Johnny returns to staring at his fingers before he shakes his head and looks up, above the TV where Taeyong had lined their framed photos. He smiles at them, at the one of Taeyong when he was five, at the one of them in their graduation robes, at the one they'd taken during their trip to Las Vegas. 

It was their last trip. Johnny hadn't noticed this before but Taeyong had his eyes closed, a soft smile on his lips while Johnny kissed his cheek. He looked peaceful and happy. Johnny wishes he was as happy as he looked. Johnny wishes he's happy now.

Eventually, the boys decided that Doyoung, Jungwoo and Jaehyun would take their leave while Taeil, Mark, Yuta and Donghyuck volunteered to stay. Johnny tries to help but Mark makes sure he has something to eat while Yuta and Taeil clean up the kitchen. When Donghyuck appears again, he says he'd drawn a bath for Johnny to take.

He wants to thank them but his mouth feels heavy and his tongue numb. He shows his gratitude with a smile and a nod of his head, a hug for each of them he holds so close to his heart. He could never repay them for every moment they took to show him they cared and he could never tell them how thankful he is for their company, their effort, their love.

All he could do, for now, is live. 

He skips the bath, draining the water without telling Donghyuck, because the more time he spends in the very same bathroom he'd found Taeyong in, the harder it gets to breathe. By the time he crawls into bed, he's crying into his pillow, tired and lost and empty, like there's a hole where his heart used to be. 

And it hurts. It hurts. 

The bed is too big for him alone, too empty, too cold. He reaches over and lets his arm rest over the space where Taeyong used to sleep in, pretends that Taeyong would be back from work soon and after his shower he'd join Johnny in bed. He'd curl up right into Johnny's chest and have his face bury into Johnny's neck. But it's hard to pretend when the silence is too loud. 

He'd stopped crying after a while, annoyed that sleep wouldn't take him, his mind too awake to let him rest. He thinks about Taeyong and the battles he'd fought, the battles Johnny tried hard to fight for Taeyong, the battles that finally took him. 

It's easy to blame himself for Taeyong's decision. His mind thinks up possible scenarios in which he could've saved Taeyong; maybe he could've left work a little earlier, maybe he shouldn't have stopped by the convenience store to get Taeyong his favorite snack, maybe he shouldn't have left the house at all. 

Maybe if he had made Taeyong happier… But it isn't his fault and he knows that. Taeyong was happy with him, he'd shown it in various ways. Johnny guesses he had gotten too tired of not finding that peace he had always talked about. 

_Where are you now?_

Johnny sniffles. His eyes feel swollen and his vision is blurry as he picks up his phone and plays over the thread of voice messages Taeyong left in their chat thread. He listens to Taeyong laugh and cry and complain and cheer, smiles when Taeyong cried over a cute puppy. With his phone clutched close to his chest, Johnny couldn't fall asleep but he found temporary bliss in hearing Taeyong's voice.

_Where are you now? Are you afraid? Lonely? Have you found the peace you went to look for? I hope you have._

_Where are you now? I miss you. I miss you. I miss you._

**Author's Note:**

> please dont ever hesitate to approach me if you ever need a friend. my twt dms and cc are always, always open. find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnyongclub) or [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/johnyongclub)!


End file.
